Rules
of Engagement:
Courtship
and Marriage in Early Canada
Dearest Etta,
The delightful hours I have passed
in your society have left an impression on my mind that is altogether
indelible, and cannot be effaced even by time itself. The frequent
opportunities I have possessed, of observing the thousand acts of
amiability and kindness which mark the daily tenor of your life, have
ripened my feelings of affectionate regard into a passion at once
ardent and sincere, until I have at length associated my hope of
future happiness with the idea of you as a life partner, in them.
Believe me, dearest Etta, this is no puerile fancy, but the matured
results of a long and warmly cherished admiration of your many charms
of person and mind. It is love - pure devoted love, and I feel
confident that your knowledge of my character will lead you to
ascribe my motives to their true source. Might I then implore you to
consult your own heart, and should this avowal of my fervent and
honourable passion for you be crowned with your acceptance and
approval, to grant me permission to refer the matter to your parents.
Anxiously awaiting your answer, I am, dearest Etta, Your Sincere and
Faithful Lover, George Courtright. Wednesday October 20th, 1894.
Poor George. He must have agonized
over that letter for days, carefully crafting a marriage proposal
that would convince his darling Etta of his love, commitment and
suitability as a husband. We can imagine Etta, perhaps unfolding the
letter with trembling hands, reading it several times and weighing
each word, each phrase. She would likely not have been surprised by
this turn of events, as it would have unfolded as part of a complex,
but well understood, process for finding one's life partner. We do
not know what her answer might have been, but we can be sure that she
would have measured George's proposal carefully, taking into
consideration not only her own hopes, dreams and preferences, but
those of her family and community.
Since Canada's earliest days of
settlement, the trials of finding a spouse has been a theme
consistently chronicled in diary accounts, letters and journals,
providing a fascinating window into how early Canadians met, courted
and married. They help us to understand what was considered
acceptable behaviour, the influence of parents and neighbours and the
strategies that were necessary to navigate the sometimes treacherous
social terrain.
Just what were early Canadians looking
for in a mate? Prior to the 19th century, economic considerations
were a strong factor in the selection of a husband or wife.
Eventually, however, the concept of marrying for love crept into the
equation, and by the early to mid-19th century, the idea of a spouse
as a companion was widely accepted. Women
were encouraged to look for a man with not only good financial
prospects, but also someone who would be kind, temperate and
hard-working. Men typically sought women who were even-tempered,
patient and capable of engaging in intelligent conversation.
The importance of a spouse as friend is
reflected in the 1854 letter of Caroline Hewlett, who commented on
the broken engagement her niece Jane Price. "From all I
heard of Mr. Campbell he appeared to me from his youth, habits, and
insufficiency of means, to be wholly unworthy of Jane, who ought in
her husband to have have a man of equal talent with herself, a
companion and friend..."
Meeting a life partner was a long
process that in many ways began in childhood. Social gatherings that
brought together people of all ages, such as religious functions,
skating parties, community picnics and work bees were all
opportunities for people get to know one another within their social
sphere. Parental and community approval was extremely important, as
couples would depend upon the assistance and support of family and
friends throughout their married lives.
Once a potential partner was
identified, parental consent secured and intentions clearly stated,
courtship could begin in earnest. This was an intense period when a
couple would really get to know one another, spending many hours
discussing a wide range of topics, to ensure compatibility.
Engagements could last for many months, or even longer if the man
required time to settle debts, secure a property or settle into
reliable employment. Once a pledge to marry was made, only very
exceptional circumstances would allow the engagement to be broken, a
circumstance typically met with strong family and community
disapproval.
The long and considered courtship
process in nineteenth century Canada, grounded as it was in family
and community approval, seems to have greatly increased one's chances
of a happy, or at least workable, marriage. Someone who clearly
married for love and companionship, Susanna Moodie, wrote to her
sister Catherine in July 1856, after twenty-five years of marriage:
"Time lengthens while he is away. Will age never diminish my
love for this man?"
Prepared with information from:
Noёl,
Francoise, Family Life and Sociability in Upper and Lower Canada,
1790-1870. McGill-Queen's University Press, 2003.
Young, John H. Our Deportment:
Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined Society, F. B.
Dickerson and Co., Hamilton, Ontario, 1881.
Azoulay, Dan. Hearts
and Minds: Canadian Romance at the Dawn of the Modern Era 1900-1930,
University of Calgary Press, 2011.
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